Fix You

***LANGUAGE WARNING***

Wow....It's really amazing how things can change in a year or three.

Three years ago, before The Wookie was born I was living in a (reasonably) happy place. The husbanian and I got along well and I was pretty happy at work. I loved my job. I was good at it, don't get me wrong though, I still AM good at it. But thing change, priorities shift.

A year ago I had an epic meltdown. I started crying one Saturday night and didn't stop until the Monday afternoon. I was diagnosed with depression. Why thank you, Dr Obvious.

I've done all the right things to try and "fix" myself. I take my tablet every night, I've spoken to a counsellor, my boss, my family. But you know what, it ain't working. Just when I feel like I am on top of everything I have a week like this one. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed. I don't want to talk to anyone, including my amazing friends that can ALWAYS make me laugh, I don't want to go to work, I want to cry ALL the time and I cannot drown out that negative voice in my head that's telling me I'm a failuree.

I'm NOT a failure....logically I know this, but man, that voice can get pretty fucking loud.

I need a change. I WANT to change my job but I feel, I guess, trapped. I am the primary money maker at home. Awesome pressure there. Not by anyone in particular but it's a fact. My wage pays the mortgage.

The other key factor is my job. It's all I've done since I was 17. I'm 32 now....It'll be 15 years in the same job (different places) in January so I am completely unqualified to do anything else. I don't even have retail experience. Last time I worked in customer service EFTPOS was virtually unheard of. How the fuck do you use one of those machines anyhow?

I have a dream though.......Around July last year I bought a sewing machine. I started sewing. I love it. My head is bursting with ideas and creations and things to make. I would love for Feralique to be a brand that everybody has heard of. I would love to do a TAFE course....but hey, can't fit that around work. So I'm looking for other options. I've always believed if you are unhappy in your situation you need to change it, I guess it's time for me to practice what I preach hey?

Anywho...That's enough sooking from me. Thanks for being a friendly ear though.

J