Reflections on a midlife career junction
1 year ago
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
The Ghost of Jacqui Past.
Dear Jacqui Past,
Well mate, the time has come for us to part ways. It's been 33 years but it's time to say goodbye and move on.
I'm not sure exactly when and why you decided that it was ok to go through life complacent, and to a degree, oblivious as to how one day you would come to look and feel about yourself. I think it began at 19. You started to gain weight and gloss over all the emotional baggage you were carrying from a less than fantastic relationship and as a result you became overweight, well very overweight, and started to lose your sense of worth and found it hard to like yourself.
The funny thing is though Jacq, you hid most of this (well the inside stuff anyway) pretty well. Only a handfull of people knew how sad and insecure you really were. Most people thought you were a very confident, out going person. We both know the truth though, it's all a front.
You did some things right though. You married an amazing man who loves you 100% unconditionaly, even though you often wondered why. You gave birth to beautiful daughters who you would do anything for. You were reasonably smart and you worked hard in a job you loved. BUT where it counts, you were bullshitting yourself.
Well mate, you're done.
You see, I DON'T LIKE YOU. I haven't for a while. I was always in you I guess maybe I was just waiting for the right time to fight. It hasn't just been a battle, it's been a war. And I have won.
A month or so ago I decided it was time for me to emerge. And I am here now. I can feel my wings unfurling like a butterfly just out of the cocoon and let me tell you something, I am going to FLY.
In the week and a bit since is started the 12 Week Body Transformation I feel good. I am eating right, excercising and most importantly starting to like myself again. I am proud of every little accomplishment I make. The sky is the limit.
So Jacqui Past, it's been real. But it's time to move forward.
Much Love,
Jacqui (Present and Future)
Well mate, the time has come for us to part ways. It's been 33 years but it's time to say goodbye and move on.
I'm not sure exactly when and why you decided that it was ok to go through life complacent, and to a degree, oblivious as to how one day you would come to look and feel about yourself. I think it began at 19. You started to gain weight and gloss over all the emotional baggage you were carrying from a less than fantastic relationship and as a result you became overweight, well very overweight, and started to lose your sense of worth and found it hard to like yourself.
The funny thing is though Jacq, you hid most of this (well the inside stuff anyway) pretty well. Only a handfull of people knew how sad and insecure you really were. Most people thought you were a very confident, out going person. We both know the truth though, it's all a front.
You did some things right though. You married an amazing man who loves you 100% unconditionaly, even though you often wondered why. You gave birth to beautiful daughters who you would do anything for. You were reasonably smart and you worked hard in a job you loved. BUT where it counts, you were bullshitting yourself.
Well mate, you're done.
You see, I DON'T LIKE YOU. I haven't for a while. I was always in you I guess maybe I was just waiting for the right time to fight. It hasn't just been a battle, it's been a war. And I have won.
A month or so ago I decided it was time for me to emerge. And I am here now. I can feel my wings unfurling like a butterfly just out of the cocoon and let me tell you something, I am going to FLY.
In the week and a bit since is started the 12 Week Body Transformation I feel good. I am eating right, excercising and most importantly starting to like myself again. I am proud of every little accomplishment I make. The sky is the limit.
So Jacqui Past, it's been real. But it's time to move forward.
Much Love,
Jacqui (Present and Future)
Monday, June 25, 2012
Instant expert
So, I am not truly great at ANYTHING. I mean there are things I can do, but I am not outstanding at anything. That is until I sit down and turn the TV on, then believe me when I tell you, I know (and am therefore awesome) at everything.
I can Cook.
I don't just mean cook, I mean why-the-hell-aren't-I-on-Masterchef cook. I can SEE that olives and pomegranite are a bad idea, can't they? I KNOW that looks crap and I could do SO much better. I see their scones, their cakes, there beef cheeks and chocolate fondant cakes and I laugh!! I could out cook them in a heartbeat.
Then I step into the kitchen and am hit with the startling reality that I suck. If it has more than three ingredients and more than, oh, six steps, and I'm screwed. I don't have half the stuff I need, my roller has gone AWOL, and I realise If it's not Spag Bol, Chocolate Mousse or something else I've cooked 100 times I've got nothing.
I Can Sing
OK, well maybe not sing, but should definatly get a new career as a music journalist or start a talent agency. I mean, I have seen some of these people on Idol, X Factor and The Voice and you have your good, then you have your pitchy, toneless i'd-rather-stick-hot-pokers-in-my-ears types. And I know who is awesome and who is shit. Surely the major television networks don't know what they're missing by lacking my expertise. I sit at home on my lounge and yell at the box as if they can here me. And you know what, if I was a talent scout, the world would be Beiber free.
I Can Build......Stuff
And I mean anything, ranging from a spice rack to a brand new deck and pergola. Well at least that's what I'm telling myself as I watch some far to perky, far to blonde chick waffle on about how simple it is. Well if it's that simple I should be able to smash it... Right? Then after a trip to Burnings to by all the required timber, nails, glue, paint and such to make what will literally be the BEST SPICE RACK OF ALL TIME only to get home and make some mutilated off balance "Spice rack" that is quite possibly reducing a tree to tears to see another piece of timber destroyed in such a brutal manor. In fact it vaguely resembles something a 10 year old child might make... Only much, much, MUCH worse. Points for trying though right?
J
N.B. Tried to find a pic of a really crap handmade spice rack using google images but I could not find anything as close to the shithouse one l made.
I can Cook.
I don't just mean cook, I mean why-the-hell-aren't-I-on-Masterchef cook. I can SEE that olives and pomegranite are a bad idea, can't they? I KNOW that looks crap and I could do SO much better. I see their scones, their cakes, there beef cheeks and chocolate fondant cakes and I laugh!! I could out cook them in a heartbeat.
| How I THINK I can cook..... |
| How I ACTUALLY cook.....
|
OK, well maybe not sing, but should definatly get a new career as a music journalist or start a talent agency. I mean, I have seen some of these people on Idol, X Factor and The Voice and you have your good, then you have your pitchy, toneless i'd-rather-stick-hot-pokers-in-my-ears types. And I know who is awesome and who is shit. Surely the major television networks don't know what they're missing by lacking my expertise. I sit at home on my lounge and yell at the box as if they can here me. And you know what, if I was a talent scout, the world would be Beiber free.
I Can Build......Stuff
And I mean anything, ranging from a spice rack to a brand new deck and pergola. Well at least that's what I'm telling myself as I watch some far to perky, far to blonde chick waffle on about how simple it is. Well if it's that simple I should be able to smash it... Right? Then after a trip to Burnings to by all the required timber, nails, glue, paint and such to make what will literally be the BEST SPICE RACK OF ALL TIME only to get home and make some mutilated off balance "Spice rack" that is quite possibly reducing a tree to tears to see another piece of timber destroyed in such a brutal manor. In fact it vaguely resembles something a 10 year old child might make... Only much, much, MUCH worse. Points for trying though right?
Anyway, that's enough of me telling you now good l am, and besides, they're cooking a dish on Master Chef that has 40 odd ingredients and well, I could totally rock that.
N.B. Tried to find a pic of a really crap handmade spice rack using google images but I could not find anything as close to the shithouse one l made.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Don't give up your day job.
So work has been pretty full on lately and I realised that very few of you know what I do, and even if you know, you probably don't KNOW, so I am going to fill you in. Consider it, if you will, Histo 101.
A superhero movie once said "With great power comes great responsibility". I'm not sure if it was Superman, Spiderman, Batman or Captain Caveman but it was in one of them. My point is that's a bit how I feel about work. I have no power, hell, I'm a working government pleb, but responsibility I have in droves.
I work at The Canberra Hospital. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a chick or because it's an automatic assumption, but usually when I tell people I work there I get "So, you're a nurse?". Seriously? No, no I'm not. What I actually am is a Laboratory Technician in the Anatomical Pathology (Histology) Department, but we just like to call ourselves Histo Techs. Now I know, when you think science you think this:
Yeah....Were all blond and gorgeous with test tubes and perfect titration's...MY ARSE
A superhero movie once said "With great power comes great responsibility". I'm not sure if it was Superman, Spiderman, Batman or Captain Caveman but it was in one of them. My point is that's a bit how I feel about work. I have no power, hell, I'm a working government pleb, but responsibility I have in droves.
I work at The Canberra Hospital. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a chick or because it's an automatic assumption, but usually when I tell people I work there I get "So, you're a nurse?". Seriously? No, no I'm not. What I actually am is a Laboratory Technician in the Anatomical Pathology (Histology) Department, but we just like to call ourselves Histo Techs. Now I know, when you think science you think this:
When in actual fact, most days I look more like:
Alright, seriously, WTF is with all the test tubes?????
I'm suddenly beginning to wonder after my little jaunt through a Google Images search for "Laboratory Scientists" if I am being ripped of working in Histo as we don't get to play with test tubes.....EVER. Pretty coloured solutions yet, but NO TEST TUBES DAMN IT!!!!
Well, I could give you the long drawn out version of what I do, using fancy words like Microtome, Dissection, Gross Specimen (as in big, not yuck...), Formalin and all other things, but in the easiest way possible I assist Pathology registrars and Pathologists to get this:
|
Settle down, it's just an appendix......
|
To end up like this:
| A stained section of appendix. |
By now you're either going cool, ewwwww or huh? You know how before I said responsibility? Will it's not all Appendectomy specimens. It's also Gallbladders, Rectal and Colon Cancers, Prostates, Breast, Lungs, Spleens, Livers and Post Mortem tissues, just to name a few. That section is on a slide that a pathologist will then use to make a diagnosis off. Cancer or not? Benign or malignant? If I cock up, at any stage of this process, it has the potential to have epic ramifications on someones life. It does happen. It's sad, no beyond sad....tragic but it DOES happen.
But not on my watch.
Love to hear any thoughts you guys have about this post. Hope you've learned a little something today.
J
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Oooooh Scary
So tonight, the husbanian and I sat down to watch a film. As per usual I had no clue what it was about. Anywho, sat down, watched it, bored the husbanian and it gave me the complete wiggins. Which has inspired me to share with you, what movie's creep me out.
*Disclaimer: I am a pretty big wuss, so what does not scare most people gives me the total heebs.*
1. The Wizard of Oz
This one, my friends is simple, FLYING MONKEYS. It's just wrong. They gave me the creeps when I was a kid and they still freak me out now.
2. The Blair Witch Project
Now, when it comes to Blair Witch people generally have one of the following three responses: It's stupid, It's nauseating, Holy-fucking-shit-i-just-peed-my-pants. I have the latter response. I still remember going to a midnight screening and being so terrified I was nearly in tears and I had to physically hold myself in my seat to not leave the cinema. Scares the crap out of me. Even now. I own it on DVD.....never watched it. Same as...........
3. Wolf Creek
Shit Scary. I could not watch "Better Homes & Gardens" for MONTHS after this. And John Jarrat still freaks the crap out of me.
4. The Ring
Both the American and original Japanese version are just plain creepy. When she climbs through the teev?? Urghhhhh. Makes my skin Crawl.
5. Pitch Black
Not sure if it's the creepy alien planet setting, the creepy alien things that eat you, or Vin Deisel's acting but it creeped me out. Bad.
As I could go on for a while, I'll leave them as the big ones, but honourable mentions need to go to:
- Alien/s/s3 etc.
- The Dark Crystal
- The ORIGINAL Texas Chainsaw Massacre
- The ORIGINAL Psycho
- Apollo 18 (tonight's film)
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
and
- Anything involving Brittney Spears or Miley Cyrus.
Have a good night....Leave a light on, and check under your bed :o)
J
*Disclaimer: I am a pretty big wuss, so what does not scare most people gives me the total heebs.*
1. The Wizard of Oz
This one, my friends is simple, FLYING MONKEYS. It's just wrong. They gave me the creeps when I was a kid and they still freak me out now.
2. The Blair Witch Project
Now, when it comes to Blair Witch people generally have one of the following three responses: It's stupid, It's nauseating, Holy-fucking-shit-i-just-peed-my-pants. I have the latter response. I still remember going to a midnight screening and being so terrified I was nearly in tears and I had to physically hold myself in my seat to not leave the cinema. Scares the crap out of me. Even now. I own it on DVD.....never watched it. Same as...........
3. Wolf Creek
Shit Scary. I could not watch "Better Homes & Gardens" for MONTHS after this. And John Jarrat still freaks the crap out of me.
4. The Ring
Both the American and original Japanese version are just plain creepy. When she climbs through the teev?? Urghhhhh. Makes my skin Crawl.
5. Pitch Black
Not sure if it's the creepy alien planet setting, the creepy alien things that eat you, or Vin Deisel's acting but it creeped me out. Bad.
As I could go on for a while, I'll leave them as the big ones, but honourable mentions need to go to:
- Alien/s/s3 etc.
- The Dark Crystal
- The ORIGINAL Texas Chainsaw Massacre
- The ORIGINAL Psycho
- Apollo 18 (tonight's film)
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
and
- Anything involving Brittney Spears or Miley Cyrus.
Have a good night....Leave a light on, and check under your bed :o)
J
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Perception
Some people see me as a bitch. This is due to several things.
1. I'm loud. I seem to only have one volume, which is about an 11. At a whisper I'm maybe a 6, but that's trying REALLY hard to be quiet.
2. I'm honest. To a fault. I say what I am thinking pretty much 95% of the time. Now being honest is a good thing in general, but due to my lack of brain filter some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is not always, shall we say, tactful.
3. I swear more than I should.
4. I have an opinion. On EVERYTHING.
But probably mostly because, well I can be a REAL bitch.
Every now and then though you realise you do something that you see as self preservation where other people see as bitchy behavior. It's all perception really.
I guess for me the big test as to how irrational I've been is to review things the next day. If I look back and think shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, usually means I stuffed up. If I look back and think "OK....maybe slightly hasty, a bit (or alot) of an overreaction, and a touch dramatic" but I am ultimately still OK with what happened then as crazy as I was at the time, the right decision was made.
Perception is a funny thing though. How people perceive you can define you if you're not careful. It's tricky not to get to sucked into believing the things others say or think of you, generally especially if those things are negative. Or maybe that's just me. If someone tells you something long enough, whether it be true or not that seed of doubt gets planted, and with enough water (thoughts) it can grow to this huge effing tree of self crapness.
And I for one, am jack of it. I embrace who I am. I am fat (but working on it). I am honest. I am loyal. I am loud. I cry at everything. I love my family and friends with an immeasurable strength. And, I am proud to say, I am a bitch. But you know what? I. Am. Me. And I think that overall, I'm not too bad. Not perfect, but OK.
And you know what? I think you're pretty freaking awesome too.
J
1. I'm loud. I seem to only have one volume, which is about an 11. At a whisper I'm maybe a 6, but that's trying REALLY hard to be quiet.
2. I'm honest. To a fault. I say what I am thinking pretty much 95% of the time. Now being honest is a good thing in general, but due to my lack of brain filter some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is not always, shall we say, tactful.
3. I swear more than I should.
4. I have an opinion. On EVERYTHING.
But probably mostly because, well I can be a REAL bitch.
Every now and then though you realise you do something that you see as self preservation where other people see as bitchy behavior. It's all perception really.
Perception is a funny thing though. How people perceive you can define you if you're not careful. It's tricky not to get to sucked into believing the things others say or think of you, generally especially if those things are negative. Or maybe that's just me. If someone tells you something long enough, whether it be true or not that seed of doubt gets planted, and with enough water (thoughts) it can grow to this huge effing tree of self crapness.
And I for one, am jack of it. I embrace who I am. I am fat (but working on it). I am honest. I am loyal. I am loud. I cry at everything. I love my family and friends with an immeasurable strength. And, I am proud to say, I am a bitch. But you know what? I. Am. Me. And I think that overall, I'm not too bad. Not perfect, but OK.
And you know what? I think you're pretty freaking awesome too.
J
Monday, April 23, 2012
I confess.....
Ok, So I've been inspired by a new FB group I'm in to spend a bit more time on my blog. Now, don't get all crazy like and think I'm going to start blogging about massively important issues like world peace, but I am going to put my general thoughts about life, love and what pee's me off into the ether a bit more often. Starting tonight.
For those of you new to the inner workings of my somewhat addled brain it basically consists of 40% pointless movie facts (I KICK ARSE at 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon), 40% Song Lyrics (pretty much anything from the 50's to Chart music) and the 20% that's left is stuff that might be remotely useful in day to day life.
I have many hobbies. I love to sew, I love to read, I LOVE to try new things (that I usually do for about three weeks then move on....), I love food (hence my sizable arse), I love live music and I love to write.
I also love to read trashy magazines such as Who and NW. I immerse myself in them. I know, it's a tragic waste of that 20% that I could be using for that important stuff, but I'll let you in to a secret as to WHY I read them.....It's really very simple. They make me feel better about MYSELF. I mean seriously.
Exhibit A:
Nicki Minaj. The chick has probably a bajillion dollars, well maybe not a bajillion, but a shitload and this is the BEST outfit she could muster??? Now, I know she might be going for the quirky/odd/WTF factor, which she would have achieved had Lady Gaga not been doing it for a couple of years. This makes me feel better about my fashion choices. Even when I was 10 years old wearing lime green bike pants and had a mullet I DID NOT LOOK THIS BAD!!!
Exhibit B:
Angelina Jolie. Now SHE has a bajillion dollars. This chick has Brad Pitt as arm candy, a mega humanitarian and has lips to die for. But for the love of god, can someone feed her!!!! Makes me feel better about myself as its a reminder to me that skinny is NOT always beautiful.
And as you can imagine I could go on and on. But I won't. Cause I want you to come back. Please. PLEASE come back!!
Ah well, that's enough for now. But if you ever feel inspired to have a go at celebrities in their Sunday bests, you should check out STUNT girls on FB. Every Monday Jill does a review of the highs and lows of celebrity fashion for the week. I love it. Look forward to it even. Anywho TTFN.
J
For those of you new to the inner workings of my somewhat addled brain it basically consists of 40% pointless movie facts (I KICK ARSE at 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon), 40% Song Lyrics (pretty much anything from the 50's to Chart music) and the 20% that's left is stuff that might be remotely useful in day to day life.
I have many hobbies. I love to sew, I love to read, I LOVE to try new things (that I usually do for about three weeks then move on....), I love food (hence my sizable arse), I love live music and I love to write.
I also love to read trashy magazines such as Who and NW. I immerse myself in them. I know, it's a tragic waste of that 20% that I could be using for that important stuff, but I'll let you in to a secret as to WHY I read them.....It's really very simple. They make me feel better about MYSELF. I mean seriously.
Exhibit A:
Nicki Minaj. The chick has probably a bajillion dollars, well maybe not a bajillion, but a shitload and this is the BEST outfit she could muster??? Now, I know she might be going for the quirky/odd/WTF factor, which she would have achieved had Lady Gaga not been doing it for a couple of years. This makes me feel better about my fashion choices. Even when I was 10 years old wearing lime green bike pants and had a mullet I DID NOT LOOK THIS BAD!!!
Exhibit B:
Angelina Jolie. Now SHE has a bajillion dollars. This chick has Brad Pitt as arm candy, a mega humanitarian and has lips to die for. But for the love of god, can someone feed her!!!! Makes me feel better about myself as its a reminder to me that skinny is NOT always beautiful.
And as you can imagine I could go on and on. But I won't. Cause I want you to come back. Please. PLEASE come back!!
Ah well, that's enough for now. But if you ever feel inspired to have a go at celebrities in their Sunday bests, you should check out STUNT girls on FB. Every Monday Jill does a review of the highs and lows of celebrity fashion for the week. I love it. Look forward to it even. Anywho TTFN.
J
Monday, April 2, 2012
Listography - Goals for April
So, the ever fabbo Kate from Kate takes 5 has set the listography challenge of five goals for April.
Here goes mine:
1. Complete all unfinished sewing projects I currently have floating around. If I have cut it I will sew it (oooohhhh a little bit Field of Dreams there).
2. Loose 5 kilograms. I'm on my way.....If I loose 5 I'll only have, oh, say 25 to go.
3. Have a happy birthday! It's my birthday on the 5th so better make it awesome hey?
4. Cull some of the kids toys. I mean really, how many Disney Princess'/Fairies/Tea Sets do two kids need?
5. Catch up with some friends. I haven't been spending enough time maintaining my friendships lately so me thinks it's time to rectify that.
Happy April, have a great Easter full of chocolatey goodness and God Bless (if that's what you're into...which I'm not, but it's not all about the bunnies hey?)
J
Here goes mine:
1. Complete all unfinished sewing projects I currently have floating around. If I have cut it I will sew it (oooohhhh a little bit Field of Dreams there).
2. Loose 5 kilograms. I'm on my way.....If I loose 5 I'll only have, oh, say 25 to go.
3. Have a happy birthday! It's my birthday on the 5th so better make it awesome hey?
4. Cull some of the kids toys. I mean really, how many Disney Princess'/Fairies/Tea Sets do two kids need?
5. Catch up with some friends. I haven't been spending enough time maintaining my friendships lately so me thinks it's time to rectify that.
Happy April, have a great Easter full of chocolatey goodness and God Bless (if that's what you're into...which I'm not, but it's not all about the bunnies hey?)
J
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